Let's Talk | a conversation about race with your teen

Last fall, I was having a conversation with some parents at our East Paris Campus about what it is like to be a Lifeline Leader. I described it like this: “Leading a Lifeline small group is similar to parenting. It’s not that you are unsure of whether or not you’re doing a good job, it’s that you are pretty sure that you are not doing a good job.”

The parents laughed, not because it was a hilarious punchline, but more so because it is true. Parenting, as rewarding as it can be, is extremely challenging. I want to take some time to speak into one of the areas of parenting that may be especially difficult right now.

With racial tension in our country, you may be wondering, “How in the world do I talk to my child about everything that is happening? What can I possibly say?” Now I am a father to a fourteen month old, so actual conversations have not yet started (outside of me and him saying, “dada” back and forth!) Yet, I have experienced a heaviness in searching for those perfect words to post on social media. I think, “What do I say? What do the students who are following me need to hear right now? How can I possibly give the perfect advice during these times?” It can feel daunting to wade into uncomfortable conversations of all kinds. 

If you feel the same discomfort that I do as it relates to talking with your children about race, I want to share something I have been contemplating this week: Since so much growth comes out of honest conversation, This could be the time when it is better for you to initiate conversations by asking honest questions now rather than waiting until you know exactly what to say later. (Read that again if you need to)

Your children have had real experiences when it comes to race; They have witnessed injustice, they have felt conflicted, and they have legitimate lessons to teach us on this topic. I wanted to give you three questions that you could ask your child that might help them exercise their empathy and bring you to a place where you can learn from their experiences. I have been learning that lasting growth does not happen through just one conversation, but through many. Below each question, you will see a few additional questions—I wanted to equip you with adequate conversation starters so that you can have not one, but many conversations with your children. These questions stem off of a great message on race from our Senior Pastor, Jeff Manion. If you have not seen the message, watch it here!

Question 1 – Look back - What have you seen others experience?

Asking your child what they have interpreted on social media, television, or in their schools will not only validate their voice on important issues, but will also help you as a parent better understand what your child notices on a regular basis. 

Additional questions to ask

-What have you seen online as it relates to race recently?

-Have you witnessed someone be mistreated because of their skin color?

-Have you seen someone defend a minority when they were being mistreated?

-Have you been in a situation where you felt like you wanted to correct someone who was being racist?

Question 2 – Lean in – How do you think others have felt who have been treated unfairly?

We tend to avoid and suppress feelings of discomfort. It feels easier to neglect feelings of helplessness, anger, or sadness than it is to deal honestly with them. However, asking your child, not just about what others have experienced, but also how they may have felt will stretch their empathy and help them think more deeply about injustice.

Additional questions to ask

-What have you seen in the experience of others that makes you sad?

-What have you seen in the experience of others that makes you angry?

-What have you seen in the world that gives you hope?

Question 3 – How could we love others well as followers of Jesus?

This question makes a conversation about justice and equality a faith conversation. Asking your child what he or she feels like we should do as followers of Jesus connects the activity of everyday justice to the love and life of Jesus. Our students need regular reminders that Jesus is not just a part of their life, but that He is their life. Connecting our behaviors to the model of Christ leads with the assumption, “Our faith in Jesus impacts how we love those who do not look like us.” which is leading by example!

Additional questions to ask

-Is there a story about Jesus that relates to what we are experiencing as a country?

-Is there a Bible passage or verse that we can remind each other of as a family?

-What do we know about God’s character that helps us as we figure out how to love others?

(If your child responds to any of these with, “I don’t know..” you can empower them to do research online and share when they find something that sticks out to them)

We know that engaging and growing together through tough conversations is a long process, but I hope this provides you with a good place to either begin or continue necessary dialogue. We as a team are here for you as you walk with your child, asking questions and sharing your story with them. I pray that God gives them courage to share from their experience and that He gives you the wisdom and the ability to love your kids by listening to them. I hope these questions are helpful to you and lead you and your student to growing more like Jesus.

About the author:
Luke Koskinen

Luke Koskinen is the Director of Student Ministries for Lifeline and the Program Director at the East Paris Campus.